there is good news and there is bad.
good news: my friends did me a birthday surprise and it was very sweet and thoughtful :)
bad news: i broke my fast and fucking binged!
another bad news: i am terribly bloated.

it used to be so easy for me to lose weight. i was so skinny and perfect. now am FAT.
anyway, WATER fast tomorrow + shit load of exercise.

okay and sorry to say this but, i HATE wanabe anorexics!! wat the fuck?? is this for real? do they actually want an eating disorder? there is a difference between starving yourself and having anorexia. u can NEVER develop anorexia because you want to! so srsly get over yourself! this is so disturbing. GOD!

hope i dont offend anyone but its for your own good to stop what you are doing. just bc u have a pretty anorexic friend doesnt mean they are happy! doesnt mean u will be like her! srsly dont do this to urself.

so how is everyone doing? what do you guys think about the wannabe anorexics?

ur all amazing and supporting girlss.. good luck <3
XXX

cant stop eating.
i know im fat, i know i shouldnt eat. but i cant stop eating.
it wouldnt matter  so much if it was healthy stuff but im eating chocolate, mince pies, cake, roasted nuts.. The only healthy stuff ive had is salad.

n im currently crying because the guy I like, doesnt like fat girls.. n here i am stuffing my face while i tear myself in half because im to fat to be with him.. well maybe i could be with him as he likes me personality wise but it wouldnt feel right..

it doestn make sense. im sad cuase im fat, but yet i eat.. making myself fatter. why do i do this to myself. why cant i just be thin already.

last night was bollocks.

went out to a bar, ended up in a club was totally not dressed for it and looked like a twat. ended up being taxi driver for 4 people on the way home. Had a packet of crisps at 3am, then they wanted to go to mcdonalds. JOY. none of them had money so i ended up paying for it and having a cheeseburger :(.

didnt get in till after 4 and didnt wake up till after 1 in the afternoon, missed breakfast and lunch. really hungry. but my stomach rumbling is strangely satisfying.

Hope everyones ok x

today was a bad day.
as you all know,i scored straight A's in my PMR exams.
my parents promised me a new handphone and a handbag.

but i didnt get it.
it didnt happen.
no phone,no bag.
no nothing.

when i see a phone i like,my mum would say,"let's go survey other phones," or "too expensive," or "no i am not buying you that phone."

we went to 2 different malls from 11.00 am till 8.30 pm.
end result:nothing.
i.got.nothing.

i snapped twice at the mall.once at my dad(which i feel very horrid about,i love my dad so much T.T) and once at myself.i went to toilet to cry.i just felt so stressed.

and when we went home,i went upstairs to my room to cry some more.then i did something weird.i wanted to hurt myself,but i didnt want to cut.so i BIT MY ARMS like a vampire would.i am such a freak.then i went downstairs to drink some water.i heard my mum TRASH-TALKING about me to the maid.i dont hate my mum,but that was too much.

so i went upstairs to cry some more.i feel so upset right now,i might just starve myself for the next week to make my parents feel guilty and sad when they look at me.

 The poster below me wants an excuse to post pictures, and so do I since I think I looked pretty good on Christmas in my new Christmas dress. I would've looked HORRIBLE in it if I were fat!

I need to get back into this. I feel Iv done ok not binged too much and not been finishin meals. Its not like Iv even been tryin to be honest I gave up for a while, I got sick and weak. I still feel discustingly fragile but I can feel the fat fallin off!!

I want to post some new pics but don't want to do it myself, so if anyone else would like to post sum I'll follow in there footsteps, I just need advice on my problem area's any advice is welcome
Hope everyone had a good xmas better than mine hopefully xx much love girls

love Nicky

xxx

 I knew it would happen. I could sense it beginning to happen in the car on the way to the restaurant. I could feel the battle happening inside. After all, I'd been fighting it all day. I could feel myself losing, I could feel myself getting weak. A blanket of excuses came over my self-control. And the receiving cord between my stomach and brain had been cut. The final kill was starting. 
 
I am sitting in front of a display of temptation, and I know I am done. I am bound and gagged and there is nothing I can do anymore. I go on the defense with celery sticks, but that's sort of obsolete when you wipe up the chicken wing grease with them. As if the 3 wings I attacked myself with after that weren't bad enough, I take the pile of garnish shredded lettuce and stir it in the spicy grease and top it with blue cheese. I don't even like blue cheese. But I stir it with shaky desperate hands. And eat it.

I am blind. All I am at this point is a pair of mechanical hands and a mouth. Ruining my perfect body. My self control has been suffocated by the blanket woven with the burlap of excuses. "You're 103, you can afford this. You can work it off. You're hungry!" My weakened self-control bleats its dying words. "Only a little" But the food screams its battle cry so loud, it drowns out the meager attempts of resisting a massacre.

I am a pathetic, disgusting mess of a girl, asking my brother for his leftovers, eying my dad's fries, and begging for a bite of my Mom's food and a share in her pie. I can feel myself being defeated, being taken and beaten.

As my stomach expands and bloats, the blanket disappears and the battle is over. My self control awakens like a kidnap victim being released. It surveys the damage with squinting eyes, and vows never to let it happen again. 

But it will. My stomach will once again, probably tomorrow, attack and sabotage my body. Hit and run, stop and mug, fuck and leave. And I will have to deal with the grisly consequences. I will either have to damage my mouth with purging sessions, or my sanity with 3hr workouts that keep me up until 2 am.

I used to love food, now it just makes me cry.

so i NEED to keep motivated... just found out i'm working doing promo girl stuff at a car show mid january so i have to stay in control so i can look my best. Sheez i think i needed that cuz now i'll be even more determined because its only a few weeks away and i will not let myself look gross like i feel now. Hope you all had a good day and are doing well! xx

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How long do you all think it will take for my body to regulate itself or go back to normal after a week of nightly binges?

I feel so sick. I am disgusting. I can't even look at myself in the mirror right now.

Ugh I hate me.

Just about to head off to the sales and meeting some friends afterwards for a drink in a coffee shop (i'll be having water)

I feel sooo dizzy today... really spaced out and woozy. Hope i don't faint.

Am heading back to my uni house tonight, can't wait to get away from the watching eyes of my family and just get on with what i need to do- FAST!

Take care, i hope everyone has a LOVELY day :o)

xxxx

Good morning, today I feel much better with extreme restricting or fasting. Yesterday was hard but my stomach is not so wide anymore.
:) I'm still sick tho. SO I ate an Orange for the vitamins. So like 30cals....
Alright thats it sweetie pies.
Luv Lola 

Hey y'all! Gosh I think its been like a month since ive posted anything! Nothing good has happened though :( being out of school has made me gain weight ugh it sucks! But since its been a while i will post my stats again.

height: 5'1 (I think??possibly5'2 idk)
CW:97Lbs (GroSS)it makes me depressed just typing it :(
HW:103Lbs (WORST day of my life!)
LW:84Lbs (BEST day of my life!)

I really wanna get back into the 80s that is my ALL TIME GOAL! But I gotta start slow. So here are me goal weights:

1st: 95Lbs
2nd: 93Lbs
3rd: 90Lbs I hope I can make it!

I hope everyone has been doing good and had a GREAT Christmas! :)

hey havent posted in a while!
my dogs beating parvo and is doing better!
but ive been binging on christmas food and throwing alot of it away!
My mom sent me home with so much stuff ... im trying to get rid of all of it tonight and tomorrow so i can quit fucking up! the scale said ive lost thou...i dont get it ..ive been eating like and elephant and ive lost 4 pounds? But im glad ive lost ...
just gotta do right Tuesday!
Tuesday im going on serious restriction and not eating for 2days straight!

for all of you needing motivation, i spent the last hour posting thinspo on my journal. check it out

I really couldn't get any fatter. I hate clothes; I won't be sleeping tonight.

I ate and ate and ate and ATE. The more I ate the more I hated myself. The more I hated myself, the more I ate. I ate and never got full, I'm still not. I just keep eating until I'm numb all over and the only thing I feel is fat. I feel the fat growing on me this second. My only solution is to eat. I've never been like this before, but today it's my solution for everything. GOODBYE FIGURE. I'll eat myself to my grave.

i did so horribly today at the cinemas

150g(A WHOLE BAG!!) of grainwaves chips- 454
a pack of tic tacs- 100
coke zero- 0?

so pretty much 555. 5 is my fav number but n0t this way!!

my 'best' friend is being an ass and a bookworm and she doesn't even realise it.
i can't do anything about us not getting along greatly if she doesn't meet me half fucking way!!
i asked her if she realised that she's in New Zealand and she said yes and put her book to her face again. like it's fucking glued onto her face!! i really can't believe this is my best friend!! what happened to her?! although she probably feels the same

I don't understand how everyone likes to eat! Eating is almost like sleeping; a waste of time. Why must we eat to live? Each day I look at myself and wish i was dead, I'm so FAT! I just wanna give up. The scale say's I've lost 5pounds but it lies. I feel like I've gained 20! I just want to be happy, why can't I win? Why is it so hard to be happy? I thought life was to be happy?